Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?

GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?

“Hygiene”

SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.

Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!

After kids: Oh.

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

Little known fact:

Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.

🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵

-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

[spelling bee]

Your word is “pneumonia”.

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.

Me: How was dinner?

Husband: Good!

Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?

Husband: …

*Next night*

Me: How’s dinner?

Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!

Me: Don’t patronize me.

Husband: *sigh*

Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah

First Christmas argument underway.

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

[first day as a drug dealer]

Buyer: got any Morphine?

Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads

Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.

I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.

Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.

Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.

Me: What?

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.

me: wheres the 13th floor?

builder: we skip it in all our buildings

me: what why

builder:

me:

builder: *embarrassed* too spooky

Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?

Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.

Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.

*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy