i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
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Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale
My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Uber plans to buy 24,000 self-driving cars from Volvo, which means passengers will now have to abuse and assault themselves.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
“Are you cold?”
*People who are cold*
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u