@apparentlysmart

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

You Might Also Like

@SmurfetteDE

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

@AbbyHasIssues

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

@usermcuserface

Manager to waiter:
Wait for it..
Wait for it..
(Sees me take a huge bite of food)
Go! Go! Go!
Waiter: so how is everything today?

@WickedCynic

Autocorrect changed “meeting” to “mating” and now my boss and I aren’t meeting with Bob after work.

@tweetsbyrocket

me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her

wife: [murdering intensifies]

@EndhooS

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

@Love_bug1016

*seduces you by wearing a sundress

*ruins it by running in flip flops

@capnwatsisname

Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?

@JCWisdomNuggets

I carry two crickets around in a small box so when I say something that isn’t funny I can supply my own sound effects. They get real tired.

@fart

what’s cool about Mitt Romney is that when you put politics aside he’s still a genuinely detestable person