Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

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Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.


It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.


Manager to waiter:
Wait for it..
Wait for it..
(Sees me take a huge bite of food)
Go! Go! Go!
Waiter: so how is everything today?


Autocorrect changed “meeting” to “mating” and now my boss and I aren’t meeting with Bob after work.


me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her

wife: [murdering intensifies]


Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?


*seduces you by wearing a sundress

*ruins it by running in flip flops


Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?


I carry two crickets around in a small box so when I say something that isn’t funny I can supply my own sound effects. They get real tired.


what’s cool about Mitt Romney is that when you put politics aside he’s still a genuinely detestable person