Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
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Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer