Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.

My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.

Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.

Farmer: These two chickens share a nest

No one:

Me: Would you call that cooperation?

ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.

ALLISON: I agr-

ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!

“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”

me, to the collection agency

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.

[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ

Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

World: What’s the date?

America: Well first and most importantly it’s June

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:

4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .

My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets

mary: my water broke

joseph: why do I smell grapes

Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this

Disappointed it’s raining this weekend

Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.

My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

[ER]

ME: [scared] well?

DOCTOR: ur ok

M: so it was just a dream

D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them