Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.

Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way

I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.

clean window: [exists]

toddlers: what’s that taste like

I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats

It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

[texting]

Me: I’m over IT.

Friend: Over what?

Me: You know…IT.

Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.

Me: IT as in Information Technology.

Friend: You CAN’T be over that.

[1 week later]

Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.

co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”

Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.

Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.

If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.

Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.

#SaturdayBears

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.

HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over

Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?

Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.

I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.

“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho