Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

me: I may have added too much salt

my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.

[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”

-my excuse for everything

Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.

I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight

Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind

Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.

LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends

[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”

I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”

The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.

About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”

How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜

friend: why are you crying?

me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing

grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd

[napping on couch]

Son: wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok i’ll be the cops.

Son: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Son: why not?

Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.

Son: oh.

Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.