@English_Channel

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

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@RiotGrlErin

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

@DamonHunzeker

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

@junejuly12

My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.

@Skoog

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

@TheHatStore

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

@mansizedthumbs

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

@junejuly12

They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.

Like that’s going to dissuade me.