There is no “we” in pizza
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
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Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.