[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
You Might Also Like
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there