A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
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Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
My cat just told me to stop talking during the movie.
Maybe homemade psychedelics were a bad idea
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
[three days after inventing phone]
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.