@English_Channel

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

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@CanadianBeave13

A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.

@Ilovelamp1979

My cat just told me to stop talking during the movie.

Maybe homemade psychedelics were a bad idea

@Darlainky

This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?

@girl_a_whirl

If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.

@HenpeckedHal

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs

@TheAndrewNadeau

Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.