Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at therapist]

I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible

Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?

M: so I’ve been thinking

*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*

ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”

Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed

Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40

*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*

#Caturday

I got a job as a bullet

They fired me immediately

The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight

[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]

Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways

– People who apparently want to go missing

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*

snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it

My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.

Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.

MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.

Me: Where do you want to eat?

Her: Wherever you pick is fine.

Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.