Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta

my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise

me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.

Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.

If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

3am

Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?

Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’

I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.

Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?

*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*

It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.

If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.

If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!