lol
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Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Alexa: *deep breath*
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Sunday
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see