lol
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7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Sometimes? I’m slipping
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.