lol
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I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control