lol
You Might Also Like
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
The glockness monster
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.