lol
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I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Wait for it
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”