lol
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My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow