lol
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The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
they really do be looking like this
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”