LOL!
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Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”