Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

me: I was busted by the cops

friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine

Smile they said.

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

I just tested negative for patience.

It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?

“Hygiene”

SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards

Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!

judas: actually know what, I’m good now

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.

It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.

Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

i have never been so disappointed in all of my life

Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.

Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again

I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.

~ Why I was kicked off the debate team

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk

I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.

I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.

Me: I wanna be ugly

Genie: you got 3 wishes left

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.