LOL
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Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
the short answer to this question
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Here
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player