LOL
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It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
He took my last fry, your honor
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.