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me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color