Lol
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Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.