Lol.
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Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.