Lol.
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Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.