Lol.
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Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
three things we don’t talk about
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus