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10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Oh my god
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.