lol
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[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
smh
