lol
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Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
*pouring wine over ice cream*
No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
New Tinder profile.
black phone good
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.