lol
You Might Also Like
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Still cracks me up
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it