Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder

I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”

Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.

The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…

Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!

rip to my favourite tweet

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*

*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*

Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat

An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.

[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.

wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?

too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.