LOL
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Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun