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Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?
Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?
Astrologer: no
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂
me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA
Doormats are a gateway rug.