LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
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Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.