LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
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Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
you will never know the true number of layers
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh