Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two things I have learned at the beach:

1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet

2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

[dragging a corpse to the shed]

NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?

ME: decorations?

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

FBI: you are so busted!

Me: omg thanks 🤭

Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.

My wife is playing hard to get.

Rid of.

*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*

“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic*

*stunned whale crowd loses it*

Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…

Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*

For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.

Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.

Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days

#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy

I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.

If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.

Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.

my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage

How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*

I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.

Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this

coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making

Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets