LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
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TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Had a spot of bother earlier.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”