Lol #dogsoftwitter
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You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Our lord and savoury.
Me: wow I have so much shit to do before I have to pick the kids up, I need to stop getting distracted
Also me: now seems like a good time to make a wreath using wild grapevines and dried flowers for my secret Santa
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Posting this on behalf of a friend
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
✨☝️✨
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.