Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(3 minutes into a hunger strike)

Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.

Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*

am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”

My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.

WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell

Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.

* Kindergarten*

Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]

[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read

it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME

My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.

That’s easy for you to say

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕

Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”

I will (and I can’t stress this enough) touch whatever you tell me not to touch.

Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.