lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
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wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Is fake venison called venisn’t
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
had to make it
If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya