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@AndyAsAdjective

Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.

@AimeeHelene1

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers

@RorynotRoy

I respect how the Hamburglar was like, “Hey, I know I’m at rock bottom here, but I’m going to be professional about it and wear a tie.”

@MarfSalvador

me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!

@Rlpihl

[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?

@alisonforns

“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo

@ellewasamistake

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

@fuzzypantaloons

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…