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@DestryBrod

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

@SteveStockmanTX

The best thing about the Earth is if you poke holes in it oil and gas come out.

@lawbsterfest

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

@CruisinSoozan

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

@mack44_d

*40’s after sex*

Her: ‘That was amazing. Let’s do it again.’

Me: ‘Like…today?’

@Rollmaninoz

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

@HockeyGoddess24

Somebody in here smells really good. I will hunt you down. I will sniff you.

@Chumpstring

SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms