You Might Also Like


If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.


The best thing about the Earth is if you poke holes in it oil and gas come out.


Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Death otter
Revenge Possum


Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.


*40’s after sex*

Her: ‘That was amazing. Let’s do it again.’

Me: ‘Like…today?’


Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)


Somebody in here smells really good. I will hunt you down. I will sniff you.


SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms