*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
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it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I can’t be the only one 😂
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*