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@thehubrispanda

According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.

@truegritrumble

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.

@i_Lean

My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.

@fro_vo

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

@squirrel74wkgn

Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.

@Shock_Monster

Nurse: It’s just a little prick..

Me: That’s what my gf said!

N: Ha

M: Haha

N: HAHA

M: HAHAHA!

N: You don’t have a gf, do you?

M: No.