According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
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Don’t be a doormat, be an electric fence.
I literally use hyperbole seven billion times a day.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Nurse: It’s just a little prick..
Me: That’s what my gf said!
N: You don’t have a gf, do you?