A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
You Might Also Like
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations