Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
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don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.