Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]

What do you mean isolated and unstable?

“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*

Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?

My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.

What they say: “Parenting is hard.”

What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”

Natural selection at its finest

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?

Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?

Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.

Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…

Justice League, confused: So like, which half?

Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”

I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.

Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life

Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

ME: Help! Boa constrictor!

BOA: Actually, I’m a python.

ME: Help! Boa contradictor!

Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45

My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.

Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.