Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
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When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.