Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”

When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.

My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days

sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.

Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.

“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

Grabs intercom:

ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS

Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?

Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.

the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.

10yo: I can’t find one.

Me: *finds a pencil* Here.

10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.

Me: *finds a sharpener*

10yo: I can’t find an eraser.

Me: Fine, use the pen.

10yo: I can’t find the pen.

This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly

#getstudying #college

I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.

Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.