Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
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This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Why are clothes so expensive? It should not cost this much to not be naked. As a matter of fact, people should be paying me not to be naked.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car