Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
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SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Me starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet
9am: One cookie instead of two
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Meow
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
#parenting
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Botany good plants lately?
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
