LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
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Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME