LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
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Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Twitter is the new flypaper.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.