lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud
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Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
shit just got real
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.