lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud
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Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”