lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud
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I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp