Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”

I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…

a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.

ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?

Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.

“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.

If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.

Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.

Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.

The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*