Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.

Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️

The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:

1) oh my god for me?!

2) this is the best day ever

3) this house is full of thieves trust no one

When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…

You’re probably into some shady shit!

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

What’s a retweet called now?

I vote Xerox.

Cricket Audience: *goes wild*

Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd

4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.

[Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D’oh.

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.

I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.

It’s a great way to meet chicks.

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.

*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.

Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it

When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?

I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man

DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*

“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.