Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry but I strongly disagree

[spelling bee]

“Your word is stupid”

ME: Well give me a different one then

“No, that’s your word…stupid”

ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS

1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS

I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.

I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.

Where it all went wrong

Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.

Her: Is that what you want?

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.

Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

Which wines pair best with gloating?

you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

Solving a traffic jam

Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids

My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein

I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him

Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me

Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.

When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work