Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]

frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone

I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years

Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years

Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol

Me: come on what if we say it at the same time

Interviewer: ok deal

Me: ok, 3..2..1

In sync: making furniture for hamsters

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.

Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!

“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”

*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?

(Me tryna flirt)

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

At a doctor appointment:

“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”

HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence

My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.

me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund

store manager: that’s a rocket launcher

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.

You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?

Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…

Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly

Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is

If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard