“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
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My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
I’m calling the cops.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.