Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…

With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.

me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

Me starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet

9am: One cookie instead of two

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I replied “No…”

She responded: “How about now?”

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.

You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”

Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know

Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.

Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES

Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!

photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one

Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living

It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries

Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.

Snacking is the boredom activity you can do with your pants on

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore

[first date]

Me: I don’t like flowers

Her: orchids?

Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable