Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

seems fine

She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

At noon, we ride.*

*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.

FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex

ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi

My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.

Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?

ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best

W: How long until they go to bed?

ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds

My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION

*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture

Me: Floor Is Lava??

12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it

Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter

[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”

My fingers.

“No, like… Are you pinching me??”

GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

genie: please no
millipede: more legs

Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.

I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow

*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!

My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.