Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Electricians.)

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

This chapter of my life is called.

“Pushing a pull door”

Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.

Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

Her: We need to talk.

*vultures begin circling over me*

The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never

Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously

Oh deer

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.

Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!

LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.

Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”

Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

[alternate universe]

cows on a road-trip: look a car!

My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

*first day as a coach*

Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!

Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before