LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
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[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Worth the read.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless