Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.

“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash

very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

CONCERT

AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!

No, I don’t think I will.

i did the math

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”

Wait a second…

I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*

*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

airline: you need to pay to check luggage.

passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.

airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”

can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine

God, creating dogs: make them smart

Angel: how smart

God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.

I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.

I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.

It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.

I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle

“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)

How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!

I aspire to be birds

This is a whole mood;