lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
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Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
