lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
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If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…