lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
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She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live