lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
You Might Also Like
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
oppen heimer style lol
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*