Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
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My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Oops I deleted….
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.