Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at Victoria’s Secret]

*folding panties on table*

“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”

Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*

Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.

Her: draw me like one of your French girls

Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey

get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!

i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good

Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap

My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.

This is bullshit.

It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day

God: you’re a parrot.

Parrot: ok.

God: you can repeat everything you hear.

Parrot: humans are the worst.

God: uh what?

Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.

God:

Parrot:

God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?

Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?

ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.

In 2024 a leather ‘mosh pit diaper’ went on sale, aimed at adults who didn’t want to queue for toilets at concerts. It sold out within 24 hours.

Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.

Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.

What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week

Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken

I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.

Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”