Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
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Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Doctors texting each other.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]