me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird