@theshrillest

lol these ppl “don’t see race” right up until you start making beloved fictional characters black, then they’re 18th century anthropologists

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@chuuew

[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:

@TheAlexNevil

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

@ddsmidt

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.

@aka_fatman

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

@FeralCrone

When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”

@WilliamAder

While I fully intended to “sleep my way to the top,” it appears I’ve napped my way to the middle.