ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
lol these ppl “don’t see race” right up until you start making beloved fictional characters black, then they’re 18th century anthropologists
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*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Who is Keto and why is everyone posting his shitty recipes?
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”
– Vader & therapist
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
[Carpenter First Date]
So, tell me about your shelf.
While I fully intended to “sleep my way to the top,” it appears I’ve napped my way to the middle.