Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
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I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face